Okay, so I've stuck myself in that stupid hopeless position once again. Here's my new dilemma. I have four papers that absolutely need to be finished by December, 5. If you want me to really face reality, they should be finished by the end of the week. In either case, you see that the situation is grim. If I don't finish these papers, I'm guaranteed to fail two of the four classed I took this semester. I might fail calculus on top of that. I really don't know on that one. I'm gonna have to really nail the calculus final if I want to get a decent grade. So once again, my own character flaws are my downfall. I realize, however, that there's something interesting about part of what I feel here at school. I hate being here, it's really true. I love the people, STE, YFC, all the friends I've made, the experiences I've had. That's all great. It's the classes that mess with me. It's this feeling of going around and around without getting anywhere. I've finally found someone I can identify with. Ironically enough, it's Moses. Moses led his people out of Egypt, which was awesome. Then, he got stuck in the desert walking in circles around a mountain for forty years. I have to believe he hated being in that desert. It couldn't possibly have been much fun. On top of that, he had to deal with the Israelites whining about one thing or another every time he turned around. On top of that, he had to beg God not to destroy them whenever they decided to push Him to rage. But, Moses took it like a man. He did what he knew needed to be done, even though he had to have hated doing it. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I may hate what I have to do right now, but I know that there's stuff here I need to learn. Responsibility is one of them. I need to grow, spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. If I don't grow, I'm simply not going to be fully equipped when I head out to become a youth minister. It's not that I won't become one, it's not even that I won't become a good one. It's just that I won't live up to the potential that I have within me. I ask you all one favor: as I wander through this desert on the way to my promised land, please pray that I'll have the patience to grow.

Sweating Bullets,
Moses

So, I begin this blog by assuring you, my faithful readers, that I am, in fact, alive. I have not died as some may think. In fact, life is what has prevented me from posting in such a long time. My second order of business is to point out that my good friend Erisiky put up that last post. For anyone who was thrown off by that I have two simple words: HA HA.

But in all seriousness, today I rant specifically about myself. I'm always kinda ranting about me, but today it's just about me. Why is it that I always have to put things off to the last minute? You would think that after the first time I went 48 hours without sleeping I might have learned, but I didn't. You would think after I bombed my first math test, I might realize that I should show up for class, but I don't. You would think that after seven years of letting my grades suffer due to my own laziness that I might start to attempt being a good student, but I'm worse than ever. Why don't I learn? I'm not stupid. Why don't I care? It seems that no matter how hard I try to make myself care about school, I just can't. Or won't. I don't even know which it is. I just know that I don't care. I understand that I need to be here. I've even figured out that God probably wants me here right now. I still just want to go home, though. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm broke, and I feel like I'm standing still. It seems like I'm going nowhere fast, and I don't like it. Hopefully, once I get all these gen-eds out of the way things will change. However, the question remains: Will I even make it that far? I'll have to take out another loan. Probably a pretty big one, since I'm in big danger of losing my scholarship. I'm so sick of dealing with money. More specifically, I'm sick of not having any. School is draining all the money out of my bank account, my mom's bank account, and my dad's bank account. What happens when my brother starts next year? God help me!

Hanging by a thread,
Moses